I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
