Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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