Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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