you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
