He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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