I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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