Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
