forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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