I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
This is my gift to your gina
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
