Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
