Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
