chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
