i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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