Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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