She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize