no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
