At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
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So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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