I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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