The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
