it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
