Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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