Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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