You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
