I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Just invented taco cereal.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
