ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
