I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
