how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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