i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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