hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
