I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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