i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Still dying that you shit outside
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
