i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
