you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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