what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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