he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
