I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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