There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
