I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
