i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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