ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
