i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
