We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
