I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
