So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
