I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
