Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
