Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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