pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
