Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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