Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
