i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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