my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
