just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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