This dress was meant to end up on your floor
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
