Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
