The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
